i want a dog

. . . or a fox.

maps

we knew our surroundings way too well
the things people say
the way things smell
the decisions we would have made
so we drove north.
In the morning i felt like gangrene had set in.
I felt my body turning itself inside out.
But i was not bothered.
because for a few hours i was the unknown variable
we saw the lights and hoped we didn't hit the border.
or the water.
the symbols our gas station cartographer drew looked like
.
.
.

.
.
.

i think they were stoplights.
we accomplished this right of passage
and getting back into the predictable state of everyday will be that much harder.

no joke.

I briefly discussed running away today. mostly serious, but more rational than anything.
I decided i would not be more prepared to run away than i was at age six... when i ran away to our garage... with a hearty pack of small figurines and fruit snacks.
I think that stint i spend as a missing child lasted a whole six minutes because i got cold.. probably lonely.
'question is... would i last any longer today?
probably not.
i am going to learn to build a tee pee this summer.
i need my country air.
it's one goal of many seemingly pointless goals.
I also may be getting another office job for the summer.
the contrast, the horror.
Whenever i skip class i think of bob dylan.
He got into the U of M and never went to class, and look at him.
He's wonderful.
Though i don't imagine he's in much debt.
Blonde on Blonde and Blood on the Tracks... maybe my two favorite Bob albums.

i want to be freeeeeeeeee.

this weekend's thoughts + playlists:

Life is short
N.Y.C.
I am an earth sign
Eddie Vedder, Into the Wild soundtrack
Ike & Tina Turner, Fool in love
It's so nice to see people out and about again
Prince, I wanna be your lover
Bright Eyes... special compilation of the best (in my opinion).
Flea markets and rude men
biking around the lake
Jess telling me to take my balls out of my purse... then explaining that i dont have balls.
the desert
Yeah Yeah Yeah's, Fever to Tell
dinner with my family
i am very interested. get it?
Jefferson Airplane, Surrealistic Pillow
Having quiet time in the living room
dreading my birthday
come to the Alaska with me?
I am scared of whales.
The Proclaimers, 500 miles

friday.

sometimes life gets serious.
a neighbor of ours killed himself today, out in the sunshine, in his garden.
It's so easy to get caught up in this world.
a modern universe.
i am still so scared of this all. not even twenty.
i don't want to be.
I think when i imagine a heaven, it's nothing far from reach.
nothing i have to die to see. Which, to me, makes it harder.
Feeling the way i feel connects me to all of history
it's amazing and somber
I don't want to believe that we all disappear.
someday i will feel stupid for writing this.
i will become detached from it all again.
why am i putting this in a blog post?
There are so many moments we can recreate.
putting songs on repeat...
repeat
repeat
repeat
but everything real, never happens twice.

The Masters.

Wednesday night we ate at Mickey's... it's funny how impressions of a complete stranger can change so quickly. We sat at the dining counter next to a young chap who had littered the counter with books about Michelangelo. He looked a little young to be a regular, but he didn't order much more than a cup of coffee. It seemed he knew the place well. A Regular with a bounty of books on Michelangelo seemed intriguing to my friend and I. Interesting, at least. Then a group of other young scholars dropped in and apparently knew the Michelangelo man sitting to our left. Suddenly this nice young man sitting next to us had a voice, which was bro-like and obnoxious. He complained about how he had to write a paper on Michelangelo for his fine arts appreciation class, and how it was going to take him all night. Real impressive buddy, fine arts appreciation? really? THEN to make matters worse, he pulled out his mac book pro... which sky-rocketed him to normal dude status. THEN he and his friends were talking about how awesome the death cab for cutie concert was... and then magically, our little mysterious young chap, who was seemingly interested in the origins of Art and little grubby diners, was just another jerk from St. Tomas or Macalester (the debates still up in the air on that one.) Moral of the story... never take a fine arts appreciation class because they are for people who are too boring to take a real art class and this apparently bothers me enough to write out this whole story of how impressions change so quickly, and how quickly we/I am capable of a particular judgement.

Tuesday, eff.

walking to school this morning the air smelled like Disney World.
I wish i was in Tennessee
The best of The Band.
Yes.
The feeling of sun burn. yes.
singing my little heart out.
welcoming a dear friend home.
feeling inadequate as an ARTH major.
feeling pretty good about American Legal Systems.
It's spring.
time to move and shake.

Easter.

Edward Steichen's work is enigmatic.
I cannot write a word about it or the origins of celebrity.
I have been listening to an odd blend of music today.
I'm stuck in conor oberst mode right now.
It does not make for productivity.
I caught up on all my episodes of The Office.
I am eighty nine.
My birthday is soon.
Earth day. (?)
Early Mid-life crisis, hello.
I was not kidding when i said i wanted to go to the zoo.
That sounds wonderful, thanks.
my hands smell like pop-corn.
why does everyone rave about how good the food is on Easter?
I mean... It's alright.
I inherited negativity.
Oh boy, oh boy.
emmylou harris has a beautiful voice.
I want that too.
I miss my best friend.
I think I'll go watch T.V.
Edward Steichen was from Wisconsin.
me too.

why?

I was wide awake at 5:18 a.m. because i was dreaming, rather intensely, that there was skunk in my house and i could not figure out a way to coax it out.

the meaning:
Skunk
To see a skunk in your dream, suggests that you may be driving people or turning people off. Alternatively, it indicates that all is calm about a certain situation but you do not necessarily like it or agree with it.

great.

I laughed.

Me: Wait, are you on aim?

Cait: Yeah, but I'm like Anne Frank...

* silence*

Cait: I'm in hiding.

animals. in ma dreams.

Last night i had a dream that was a lot like watching Animal Planet. This animal's kingdom, phylum, class, order, and genus was announced to me by some omniscient voice. There were other factoids about this creature too... I'm glad my dreams are so educational.

Monday

Today, I hate art. I blame Hamline. For my own sanity, i googled " bad art" and here are the results.
There are many different types.

SATURDAY

I found this today... Statue of liberty without the torch. Made in Hong Kong. A day full of adventure. hunt & gather 'n shit.
Also, I am in disbelief that i have managed to sit through the whole Twilight movie.
... the wine helps.
a wild night.

Blehhhhhhhhhhh.

This is how i feel today.

Me.

Basically identical.