oh hi marlon.

passive agressive

For the past couple of weeks now i've been noticing that i have been hitting a noticiable amount of butterflies while driving. This, I thought, cannot be a good sign, so i googled their symbolic meaning. Turns out, butterflies are very symbolic, indeed. They represent long life, marital bliss, and the passing souls of the dead- All important things, i suppose, and here i am obliterating them with the windshield of my stupid red tracer. A bad omen? I vote yes. . . and lord knows i need more of those.

http://www.creedthoughts.blogspot.admin.gov/

the introduction

the other day i was walking home from work along hewitt avenue. It was a balmy seventy degrees and the sun was shining ever so nicely. I was locked inside my head, barricaded nicely behind headphones. While crossing the street i couldnt help but wonder what it would be like if some high hormonal teen came rattling down the street in an old hatchback and hit me en route. I guess i visualized the bumper hitting my legs first, obviously. This probably would project me onto the hot summer pavement. Unnaturally unconscious, blood 'n the scattered contents of my purse, just like you see on t.v. Not too gruesome but believable- heart racing action and false tragedy. I kept walking. Luckily, perhaps, this chicken made it to the other side. There i was, walking in someones lawn, able to let everything go for a few brief moments. I accepted that i had no control over this sprawling universal property (the universe) and all i could do for anyone was be. To wake up every morning and go to my shitty job and then walk home only to fight mundanity with visions of sudden injury or death. Life can cause those, i hear. Letting go, i walked the eight 1/2 blocks home. The soundtrack was artificial and the scenery was real. I figured if i just kept walking i could hold onto my fleeting revelation, but i dont know. I wouldnt know. I sulked up the stairs to my cave/apartment. I live there. 1311 hewitt- the ugliest house in the midway area. I live with a yogi now, and she is wise. But sir arther conan doyle and Quasimodo got nothing on me- the real hp.

heart shaped box.

tonight i look like kurt cobain.
it's 1992 for haley p.
hey. wait.

8:42 a.m.

an inevitable walk in the pouring rain's got me thinkin.
I should sleep.
I miss a lot of things.
Places i haven't even been to yet.

past me.

i found this note under my bed at my parents house. While funny, i wish i could remember exactly why i wrote this.

currently

" you can be attracted things that aren't beautiful"

i feel great.

the argument

i can't remember when, but we argued as to whether "fuckin" and "muffin" actually rhymed.
it looks good on paper.

what am i doing?

There are so many things that a bigger than i am.
1311 hewitt avenue.
my boxy purgatory
just wait, i am watching
and there are lives ending everywhere
was it all worth it?
i really hope it's all worth it.

i am scared.

confidence fades.

and today i made a conscious decision to write about you
be flattered.
i seem to be good at that.

i want a dog

. . . or a fox.

maps

we knew our surroundings way too well
the things people say
the way things smell
the decisions we would have made
so we drove north.
In the morning i felt like gangrene had set in.
I felt my body turning itself inside out.
But i was not bothered.
because for a few hours i was the unknown variable
we saw the lights and hoped we didn't hit the border.
or the water.
the symbols our gas station cartographer drew looked like
.
.
.

.
.
.

i think they were stoplights.
we accomplished this right of passage
and getting back into the predictable state of everyday will be that much harder.

no joke.

I briefly discussed running away today. mostly serious, but more rational than anything.
I decided i would not be more prepared to run away than i was at age six... when i ran away to our garage... with a hearty pack of small figurines and fruit snacks.
I think that stint i spend as a missing child lasted a whole six minutes because i got cold.. probably lonely.
'question is... would i last any longer today?
probably not.
i am going to learn to build a tee pee this summer.
i need my country air.
it's one goal of many seemingly pointless goals.
I also may be getting another office job for the summer.
the contrast, the horror.
Whenever i skip class i think of bob dylan.
He got into the U of M and never went to class, and look at him.
He's wonderful.
Though i don't imagine he's in much debt.
Blonde on Blonde and Blood on the Tracks... maybe my two favorite Bob albums.

i want to be freeeeeeeeee.

this weekend's thoughts + playlists:

Life is short
N.Y.C.
I am an earth sign
Eddie Vedder, Into the Wild soundtrack
Ike & Tina Turner, Fool in love
It's so nice to see people out and about again
Prince, I wanna be your lover
Bright Eyes... special compilation of the best (in my opinion).
Flea markets and rude men
biking around the lake
Jess telling me to take my balls out of my purse... then explaining that i dont have balls.
the desert
Yeah Yeah Yeah's, Fever to Tell
dinner with my family
i am very interested. get it?
Jefferson Airplane, Surrealistic Pillow
Having quiet time in the living room
dreading my birthday
come to the Alaska with me?
I am scared of whales.
The Proclaimers, 500 miles

friday.

sometimes life gets serious.
a neighbor of ours killed himself today, out in the sunshine, in his garden.
It's so easy to get caught up in this world.
a modern universe.
i am still so scared of this all. not even twenty.
i don't want to be.
I think when i imagine a heaven, it's nothing far from reach.
nothing i have to die to see. Which, to me, makes it harder.
Feeling the way i feel connects me to all of history
it's amazing and somber
I don't want to believe that we all disappear.
someday i will feel stupid for writing this.
i will become detached from it all again.
why am i putting this in a blog post?
There are so many moments we can recreate.
putting songs on repeat...
repeat
repeat
repeat
but everything real, never happens twice.

The Masters.

Wednesday night we ate at Mickey's... it's funny how impressions of a complete stranger can change so quickly. We sat at the dining counter next to a young chap who had littered the counter with books about Michelangelo. He looked a little young to be a regular, but he didn't order much more than a cup of coffee. It seemed he knew the place well. A Regular with a bounty of books on Michelangelo seemed intriguing to my friend and I. Interesting, at least. Then a group of other young scholars dropped in and apparently knew the Michelangelo man sitting to our left. Suddenly this nice young man sitting next to us had a voice, which was bro-like and obnoxious. He complained about how he had to write a paper on Michelangelo for his fine arts appreciation class, and how it was going to take him all night. Real impressive buddy, fine arts appreciation? really? THEN to make matters worse, he pulled out his mac book pro... which sky-rocketed him to normal dude status. THEN he and his friends were talking about how awesome the death cab for cutie concert was... and then magically, our little mysterious young chap, who was seemingly interested in the origins of Art and little grubby diners, was just another jerk from St. Tomas or Macalester (the debates still up in the air on that one.) Moral of the story... never take a fine arts appreciation class because they are for people who are too boring to take a real art class and this apparently bothers me enough to write out this whole story of how impressions change so quickly, and how quickly we/I am capable of a particular judgement.

Tuesday, eff.

walking to school this morning the air smelled like Disney World.
I wish i was in Tennessee
The best of The Band.
Yes.
The feeling of sun burn. yes.
singing my little heart out.
welcoming a dear friend home.
feeling inadequate as an ARTH major.
feeling pretty good about American Legal Systems.
It's spring.
time to move and shake.

Easter.

Edward Steichen's work is enigmatic.
I cannot write a word about it or the origins of celebrity.
I have been listening to an odd blend of music today.
I'm stuck in conor oberst mode right now.
It does not make for productivity.
I caught up on all my episodes of The Office.
I am eighty nine.
My birthday is soon.
Earth day. (?)
Early Mid-life crisis, hello.
I was not kidding when i said i wanted to go to the zoo.
That sounds wonderful, thanks.
my hands smell like pop-corn.
why does everyone rave about how good the food is on Easter?
I mean... It's alright.
I inherited negativity.
Oh boy, oh boy.
emmylou harris has a beautiful voice.
I want that too.
I miss my best friend.
I think I'll go watch T.V.
Edward Steichen was from Wisconsin.
me too.

why?

I was wide awake at 5:18 a.m. because i was dreaming, rather intensely, that there was skunk in my house and i could not figure out a way to coax it out.

the meaning:
Skunk
To see a skunk in your dream, suggests that you may be driving people or turning people off. Alternatively, it indicates that all is calm about a certain situation but you do not necessarily like it or agree with it.

great.

I laughed.

Me: Wait, are you on aim?

Cait: Yeah, but I'm like Anne Frank...

* silence*

Cait: I'm in hiding.

animals. in ma dreams.

Last night i had a dream that was a lot like watching Animal Planet. This animal's kingdom, phylum, class, order, and genus was announced to me by some omniscient voice. There were other factoids about this creature too... I'm glad my dreams are so educational.

Monday

Today, I hate art. I blame Hamline. For my own sanity, i googled " bad art" and here are the results.
There are many different types.

SATURDAY

I found this today... Statue of liberty without the torch. Made in Hong Kong. A day full of adventure. hunt & gather 'n shit.
Also, I am in disbelief that i have managed to sit through the whole Twilight movie.
... the wine helps.
a wild night.

Blehhhhhhhhhhh.

This is how i feel today.

Me.

Basically identical.

fuck you, mercury tracer.

you left me standing in the sleet tonight. you are unreliable.

uhhhggggg, Hamline.

Today, the other students in my painting class heard public enemy for the first time... and hated it. They got a kick out of "cheeseburger in paradise" though. Damn Jimmy Buffet.

"I AM THE THIRD REVELATION!! I WILL EAT YOU!!!"

best daniel day lewis scene ever.

6:45 a.m. March 21st 2009

Morning Serenade; a reflection
( in the form of text message)

haley
rude as fuck.
Caitlin
holy hell. i am ready to punch her in the effing face.
haley
no shit, momma's taking an audible dump in the bathroom
Caitlin
omg. they are martians. i hate them.
haley
and then came the sleep machine...
caitlin
EFFFFFFFFFF
haley
seriously, fuck them... i am waking up two hours from now just to be loud. they are big fucking smelly martians.
Caitlin
sounds like a plan. we can watch fucking "in bruges" and eat fucking doritos.
haley
ok. get some shut eye.


THERES MORE WHERE THAT CAME FROM.

thursday babble

I think I will go too. Brain fried. yum. leftover rice, vegetable curry, and lean mean salmon fillets. Good looking people kissing on the TV. i think i will eat my Easter treats and have a thought or two. gonna paint the walls around here and fix everything up real nice. i can't decide if it's cold outside or whatever what have you. what will i do what will i say? i have a feeling i have a feeling i have had a feeling something big is going to happen this week. just a feeling. IT's not in the stars, that much is for sure. tomorrow is Friday, so we shall see. Ouija board is calling me, haunt this place and let it be. what kind are you? do you notice somebody like me. i sure would. i think.

amazing.

i honestly could not resist.

Tod Browning's "Freaks"

both fascinating and horrible.

purple and yellow moth

another one of god's creatures that has now made an appearance in my dreams.

a full day

(reverse chronological)
listened to the wind try to blow down my house
post-modern theory over pizza
walked through a blizzard
critiqued resumes for $$$$
painted horrible color charts/loathed painting/college art classes continuously muddy creativity
became obsessed with Marcel Duchamp
obsession with the style of mechanical eroticism
drew my first sketch of " Lady Godiva" piece
called about a job
Hamline taught me what it means to have a sense of "Self"
woke up late

they call them killer whales for a reason

to hear from you rustles up the sediment at high sea. my survival is murky. i am the man without a country. Missing in Action. in my head i float aimlessly high. with a fear of heights and deep water. i guess in the middle is where i should be. by day, i wait with a glaciers patience. at night i speak to whales, and they ask me to forget you right before they go in for the kill. please, don't forget me when im stuck in a great white belly. my organs scattered, a proper funeral at sea. but i'm not all there...you still have something that belongs to me and i will need it someday if you can't hold it properly.

my new favorite.

Plan 9 From Outer Space (1959)
directed-produced-written by Edward D. Wood Jr.
featuring Bela lugosi and vampira

AMAZING
i want to make art this bad.

it's march...

and i am done worrying about how you feel.
bashing my head against the wall over a boy.
how silly, how childish.
i'd pick me. any day.
you picked an ogre.

J.A.N makes me look important.

I love Jessica Ashley Nelson. We have some laughs... she makes me pose.

I LOVE JACK WHITE

recurring dreams.

WHY?

THE WEEEEEEEEEEEEEK

- cookie shop
- allergic to life
- had a slumber party
- felt fulfilled
- felt sick
- felt love
-unicorns
- sharks & whales
-acme deli
- the reader
- clothes swap = identity swap
- elephant man
- vegetable curry from a bag
- the day is mine
- valentines with my valentines
-gastritis
- the code word is lady hawk.
- i am a changeling
- this note resurfacing in my life...
" I love you and something will happen between us eventually. Give it time and we will be happy. trust me. It's the truth. Just find your happiness and ours will follow."
LAME.

this past week...

- ate cilantro at Black Sea and almost died
- found treasures
- hosted a heath ledger memorial ( Brokeback Mountain+ tim tams+ wine with a kangaroo on it)
- got pants
- sent valentines
- got my heartbroken
- then it healed
- finished homework
- posed nude for Playboy a.k.a Jessica Ashley Nelson
- felt centered and ready
- was thankful
- was hateful
- went to a fish fry and " he's just not that into you"
- college education ruined my hunger for art
- attended my first law class
- decided to run away to Savannah, and that's where i will be when you want to find me.
- felt alright.

Marie Antoinette Night

Necklace i made during the movie... great.
Jesus and saints... because the French monarchy was catholic...

cake cait and i made... with applesauce...let them eat it.

Che

Still processing so much of this movie.
It was carried out PERFECTLY.
Really, i should have taken notes to keep myself from bumbling on about brotherhood, sisterhood, homeland etc.
The solidarity of man is a powerful powerful thing to capture artistically, kudos.

my roomie is sick in da house

minimal work

scarymasks

okkervil river

AHHHHHH. song on repeat.

A flurry of things.

I've accumulated lots of loose ends lately. Fleeting thoughts have turned into full on feelings and that sort of thing. Because of this i think i have been sleeping a lot. Must be one of those phases, you know? Where you sleep...a lot.

Today at school i took a bunch of past Hamline art and literary journals thinking that they'd be encouraging. Instead, they only made me question my place even further. The pieces were mediocre and not beyond a high school art room or a teen poetry club. One of the poems published was literally called, "drink my blood." Really? That kind of unfathomable poetry plus the numerous nature photographs equaled something less than inspiring for me. Hamline is a wonderful university. I truly believe i am a better human being because of my time spent learning there... yet my artistic endeavours barely ignite in it's liberal arts atmosphere.

Now more than ever it's obvious to me that it's time to make new plans, new goals, and gain exactly what i want from this life.
boo ya.